I want to Live for Love

I'm sitting all alone on  my couch and yet once again I'm thinking of my life.

My past is passing me by - See a lot of pain, tears and that's the way I remember it.

There were many days I could only cry, my hope was faded away

I wanted to say goodbye to everything.

Yet I am laughing now and feeling fine.

Sometime I still cry, inside and outside - But that's different than in the past.

What a fool I was - that I wanted to say goodbye to everything.

If I would've really bid adieu, I had never felt this lovely feeling deep inside

It's a beautiful feeling called Love

And I am so thankful for finding my love - It's making me stronger day after day;

There was a time that I wanted to say goodbye; 

However now I want to Live.... 

Music of the Dark - a Reflection

The Dark has wings.

The Dark has its Music.

The Dark has its pain.

The Dark is in the vein.

The Dark has its own bright, flickering smells, its own phantom whims.

The dark has its own ghosts which haunt it from Dusk to Dawn and back to Dusk again.

So I was told by a Old man long ago.

That man has since been swallowed up by the dark. But I still remember the night he told me that if one really tried, one could actually hear the sound of the earth go round and round on its axis. It was difficult, but not that impossible. It was easier during his times, he said, for there was less noise. But, if I listen, really really listen at late night, I would be able able to hear the sound too. It would begin as the slightest hint of a muffled "ghrr-ghrr", and as you concentrate and shut out the rest of the world - the faint strains of the FM radio from some distant shack, the happy cicadas, even the sound of your own breathing - it would gradually build up to a crescendo until you would be scared that you might be thrown off the earth, it was moving so violently.

"It's just like the sound of a bullock cart. But you wouldn't know what that sound like being a city boy.", he said with a laugh.

That summer holiday, I did discover what the sound was like. As one night I lay on the roof of  my three storeyed house and looked up at the onyx sky, the dark came and held my hand and became my friend. And I heard the earth moving on its rusty wheels.

It's been long time since then, and I have stopped listening for that sound. But there are other songs, other smells and other secrets that Dark whispers me today.

When there's a power cut in your neighborhood next time, don't grumble; don't even fumble about for the candles. Wander on to the roof of your building - peer into the dark. The festive song of the cricket will be punctuated by an occasional flutter somewhere in the lamp post as Mamma crow tries to convince the babies that the gooey monsters are the part of its nightmare.

There will be flicker somewhere above you; it will vanish before your eyes register it. It'll slip away like memory of long lost Love. You'll only feel the warmth of a glowing cigarette butt as it swings and sways its way to the oblivion. And then even that will disappear, leaving a widowed bald darkness behind.

You'll think you hear the creak of a old door-hinge somewhere around you, and you'll hear something landing with a soft thud into the unkempt bushes below you. And you'll swear you hear a creaky groan as the white-washed walls ooze fatigued and tired building settle ever so slightly deeper into the sheltering earth.

The cool breeze will bring along the snatches of a few whispered words of love - disjointed, disembodied like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Perhaps they were the urgent words of love uttered on a rickety bench in some corner of the park, perhaps they were lazy , caressing words of love , savoring a moment of togetherness that wouldn't last, trying to make sure the moment wouldn't be forgotten when the day dawned. Perhaps they were well rehearsed words of love, uttered once more into the trusting dark. Or perhaps they weren't words of love at all - perhaps it was just the day's last tram, that took the life of poet Jibanananda Das a long ago, moving on its aluminum tracks somewhere in the distance.You can't be sure - there are more secrets Dark don't want to share with you. Which make dark more interesting.

Suddenly a rude, loud voice will break into your thoughts, showering abuse on a name tooslurred to be identified. The pungent smell of betrayal will hang heavy in the air. The wounded, shredded dark, split wide open, will cry for justice.The sobs will die down only when the frogs comfort the dark with their unstinting ancient lullaby.

Just about now, you may hear a sweet voice halfway through "Ogo Dukhojaganiya, tomay Gaan shonabo, Taito amay jagie rakho...." - she'll fumble over a word here, drift out of tune there, but she'll go ahead, singing just for the pleasure to singing to the dark, crooning for the pleasure of serenading the dark, without worrying about who's listening and mistakes she's making.

There are more secrets Dark has to share with you - More than you can imagine, Much more than I can tell you about. Go ahead and give it a listen - I bet you won't regret it.

Love that sets us free

Love is Banished  - here I am standing on the edge

Alone and Lonely in a World, I don't think where life exists

And even if did, it'd only brandish me that I'll never have access to it.

Time like this - anyone could hold me, plant a kiss or lay the seed of Love.

Where's my love then, that smile he gave, 32 pearls

Maybe I'll jaunt the carcase again.

Trembling as doom is knocking, But i see no alternative

Already read the end - I'll only lose the love I give

And been mourned all this while - Sick and pale with grief.

Tired for I Know nothing of an end to this loneliness

Butt soft - likelihood of feeling good, once we move the rocks off

From the edge I never could get my view across

But alas, I still stand where I was - Even still it destroys me.

Love You Forever

Remember the first night we met, The night first time I touched you

That one night changed my life - Being with you make me feel I am not alone

The very night kissing you, hugging you, holding you in my arms, lying by your side

I wished to hold you in my arms forever, love you forever.

In the night seeing you blink your eyes, listening to your heartbeat

My heart started beating faster in that very excitement of meeting you

That one night showing you how much I care, one night holding hands with you

one night loving you is the most memorable day for me - 

Because you started becoming world to me, I love you the most.

I was scared as the beautiful feeling of loving you is one thing, I don't want to ever loose

I want you to be with me and I promise I will love you forever baby.

And the day I will be gone, you will know I was the best Thing that ever happened to you.

Be Happy

Be Happy - It's all I ever want you to be;

Be happy - Although it doesn't have to be with me;

As I understand, what you have been through -I'll do everything for you.

Even if it means, I have to let you go.

Just remember if there comes a time you need a friend

You just have to call and I'll be there - for you my shoulder will always be there.
I will try to protect you from all the odds as much as I can;

And I'll crack jokes to make you smile, even if only for a while

Until the time will come, you want to leave again

When I wished you happiness, I understood I do not have to be a part of it.

And I am happy to just see you happy, even though I'm standing outside looking in..

Do i Exist STill IN You

Talking to you today made me realise once again how weak I am, even though I thought I am strong and can handle everything….. Well I didn’t cry like I did last time but pondered over Why you came into my life when I needed you least, and you walked out of my life when I need you the most.. 

Funny to say that it wasn't you who walked out, it was me….. who let you do so that I wouldn't get hurt, because I was scared to fail in love again………….. 

I used to think that we all all are destined to our pathways in life, what brings happiness and sadness to our lives. After meeting you, I thanked my destiny………..Things happens for a reason..I cannot figure out the reason yet. 

I never really understood the meaning of letting go the loved one, and if it's meant to be it will come back………… I tried first time and that’s why never want to let you go. But just like everybody else you went away just to turn my world upside down.. 

First time I laid my eyes on you would never imagined that my heart would fall for you……...Every moment we spent together I remember like yesterday..All those evening chatting over coffee, all those nights having dinner together. All those tiny moments of showing love for each other, kissing on the middle of the road, laughing till it start to hurt and crying by knowing that it wont last..just staying in silence and just knowing by the look in both of our eyes that it is the best moment of our lives.. 

The first night you were with me, would never imagined I would fall for you…….. your whispering into my ear still echos..your tender touch still can be felt on my skin, your soft lips still felt on my lips……… Your heartbeat in next to mine still echoes….. your breath on my neck still resonates, I still want to behold you tight next to me the way I did the night you were sleepless next to me……… 

You kept telling me how much you like me, love me - but I was scared to make you part of my life. I was scared, I was stupid, I never took your words seriously, untill the day you expressed how much you Love me.. Today the way you said that, the way your voice reached my ears, the way your eyes glimpsed, the way you expressed it with your secret most move , I realised that you mean what you said……. That you are different not like others as they left me. 

And since then we became “Us” from you and me untill today when you said “Let’s call it off” though we started just now. What hurts the most is that we both know what we want and how much we want it, we cannot have it.
If I could, I would give all of me, I would risk everything just to stay next to you, just to hold you, and feel you even though that would mean I would never be able to do that again.......... 

Do you still want to give up? Or just live with the pain and questioning yourself what if?

Loving You

Loving you was never difficult.

The first time I saw you, I fell for you;

Not Love at first sight; But, I liked you

Days passed in weeks

And I didn’t realize when I fall in love with you

Love came silently in my life

But loving you was never silent though

I felt your love in my veins

I felt you with me; in me.

But then one day you left from my life

It was more silent than your coming

And I was sitting helpless and watched my love going

I cried, I shouted, I started hating me

As I failed in loving you

Then one day I saw you with your new love

Together you were looking good – I admit

But in all these there was a shear pain in my heart

No, not because you were with somebody else

It was pain of my failure to make you happy –

Pain for being a failure in loving you

I don’t know what that feeling was exactly

But one thing I know - for me loving you is still easy

Don’t Ask Me to Forget You